Years ago, when about to graduate college, I felt very confused. I talked to the school counselor and this is what I remember. He asked me what I wanted. I said I didn’t know. He asked me this question several times and I kept answering, "I don’t know." Finally, I came up with an answer he seemed to like.

"I want to be happy."

"Great," he responded. "Be happy," he said cheerfully, and sent me on my way.

Back then, his response and a dime would get me a telephone call…

Flash forward many years later, and many attempts to find happiness. Experimenting. Seeking. Trying out new things. Then more education. I learned happiness was not a goal and seeking happiness was an illusion. An attitude of acceptance and maybe some tools to cope with reality was the more adaptive position. According to many in the field of psychiatry and psychology, the most I could hope for was "the transformation of hysteric misery into common unhappiness." To seek happiness was delusional at worst and superficial at best.

So I hired a coach. And got to work.

Today, feelings of joy, energy and flow are my happiness benchmarks. Those aspects of life contributing to these feelings are based on my true values. For many of us, the process of uncovering our true values isn't always easy – but it's always worth it. When I make decisions based on my true values, I feel integrated with who I really am. I am living according to my standards. I am aligned with what makes my heart beat. My energy flows freely. When I am in conflict with something, I point my compass in the direction of my true values and the decision becomes clearer and maybe a little easier. 

In coaching, clients are often riddled with the "shoulds", the "have to’s" and the accompanying "guilt's" and conflicts. We all are to some degree. We are unaccustomed to thinking about what makes our heart sing. We learn that thinking about ourselves is selfish. We get tied up with family and societal demands. And there are these "needs" we keep trying to meet. It all becomes a vicious cycle and feels like too much sometimes.

As I was coached, I help clients learn to identify and address those unmet needs and self defeating beliefs that are interfering in their happiness. Meeting those needs in a healthy way gives them the energy and perspective to consider what it is they really want. This does not mean clients abandon responsibilities they wish they didn’t have. But they may abandon "energy drains" or take on new challenges. Values start coming into focus. They learn to give themselves permission to make changes – and permission to be happy.

The Dalai Lama proclaims in the book, The Art Of Happiness, "the very purpose of our life is to seek happiness." He goes on to say happiness is a decision we make. Once we make that decision, we then go about learning which factors lead to happiness and which factors lead to suffering. Having done this, he says, one then sets about gradually eliminating those factors which lead to suffering and cultivating those which lead to happiness. 

This is where I see coaching comes in. Through a process that includes conversation, collaboration, self study, and more, coaching helps my clients realign themselves in accordance with their true values and re-orient their lives accordingly.

Happiness is a goal.

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